


Where do we go from here?

by mallorysendings



Category: Firefly RPF, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-02-17 18:07:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2318546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mallorysendings/pseuds/mallorysendings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes up in the after math of Wash Dying, and the crew picking up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Serenity Valley, it haunted him still to this day. He had named his ship in honor of the many fallen under his command that fateful battle when it all fell to the Alliance.

He just tried to pick up the pieces of his life after the Brown coats dispersed and Unification was in full effect… No other choice after Unification day. The brown coats lost. Since then he was just livin from day to day with one love and one job. Serenity and keepin her in the black, and doing whatever necessary to keep her there. With that he needed a crew and he felt he had one of the best. 

The life was not perfect but it had its perks…afforded the ability to remain out of the alliances business and them out of his. For the most part. Or so he had thought. Seemed he could not stay out of alliance business. Scavenging off derelict’s and such could get you in some measure of trouble. Nothin serious or anything you will get killed over. But you could lose your ship and pay hefty fines. Not worth losing your skin over…. 

But now here he was again, Picking up the pieces of now a broken crew. The Operative had done what he could to put his ship back together, but that would not fix Zoe, or bring Wash back. He was in some need of fixin as well…but none could take up the task . 

He splashed cold water from serenities pipes in his face. “Just livin day to day.” He sighed muttering to himself. 

“Sir?” Zoe’s voice asked over the com unit. “Sir? You have been in your room for two days…Come on out.” she ordered dryly.

Mal shook his head. He needed time, but he could not stay inside these four metal plated walls. Time to face the crew….and their long faces. If he did not need to be the dam hero Wash would still be here he thought as he pressed the speaker button to reply. “Sure, Zoe….Comin.” he said pulling on a clean shirt and buttoning it. Hi face hard and emotions making him feel heavy. 

 

Once up on the bridge he found Jayne and Zoe talking. “Mornin Sir.” Zoe said stiffly. 

Jayne smiled slightly. “Mornin?” he laughed. 

Zoe gave Jayne a scathing look that shut him right up tight. 

“Mornin Zoe, Jayne…. So what’s the eta?” he asked. 

Zoe looked at him with her brow raised her face looked like it was made of steel. “Sir?” she asked. “We are nearly out of Fuel and we have run out of the operatives alliance credits…So many weeks just drifting in the black… We are gonna need to do a job and the crew is itchin to be dirt side…” she said her voice cold. “Need your imput, Captain.” She said trying in her way to remind him he was in fact captain and the crew needed his leadership. 

“Ugh, yeah Boross, Badger could have a job… and it’s a good place as any to dock.” He said turning back around…not even sure where he was headed. He just needed to get away. 

Zoe hung back. The captain had withdrawn back into himself again. It was something she had seen before when the war was lost. Then now, after Serenity was flying again he just retreated into her…. Like river had been known to do. They saw little of him at the time without leadership they just floated. Floating was nice and all… But it reminded her too much of Wash. She needed to get back to work and forget. 

 

River was on her way to the bridge. She would lurk in the hallway till no one was inside and the pilots seat would be all hers again. They all blamed her in part for what happened with Wash. She felt the flexibility of their thoughts. Inconsistent and conflicted. They did not always blame her.

No one really felt she was at fault but their minds ran away in directions that were honest and dark…but they did not mean it. She knew none of them did. Maybe only Jayne. The only one who did not blame her at all was the captain. But that was because he took all the blame onto himself. She heard his feelings so well she could taste the bitterness in his mouth. He was full of guilt and self-loathing so strong she could actually feel the weight of it all in the back of her throat. Like apple bits…. Sour bad apples. Some guilt was not even warranted. 

She saw him now. First time in a few days…And he saw her…. First time in an even longer while since she only was seen when she meant for someone to see her. 

Their eyes met in the dark of the corridor and she remained in the shadows. “Mornin lil one.” He sighed breaking eye contact and proceeded away. Away from her.

She felt her insides clench at the color of his thoughts. He hated himself …. Most people that she heard loved themselves more than any around them. But Mal was different. He hated himself and the spinning worlds, but he loved the black. Loved emptiness his voice ghosted the word in her head. 

“Empty spaces are meant to be filled.” She whispered to him as he walked from her. His step hesitated hearing her voice but he proceeded on as he internally shut down her comment. He did not need her reading or shrinking his head. He needed no one, but Serenity and she was a machine. Maybe Mr. Universe was more like him than he ever gave him credit for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon cant figure out his sister, Kaylee will never understand what he does, and River tried to talk to Mal.

Simon sighed looking over Rivers charts. Nothing could account for the mental changes she had gone through in just the few short weeks. She was speaking more clearly and with intent. Her thoughts did not seem so scattered, at least she spoke less nonsense. This was only when she allowed anyone to see her. She kept away for the most part which still bothered him. 

“Find anything?” Kaylee said brightly, grease smudged all over her cheek and bridge of her nose. She knew Simon was like a dog with a bone. When it came to medical science he saw his sister as not only a beloved Mei mei, but also as a subject of dissection and study. Kinda creeped her out. But she tried not to think about it like that. 

Simon shook his head. “I may need new scans… These are too old.” He pushed them back in exasperation. 

“Cant you just…” she shifted her weight uncomfortably. “Well, maybe think she’s better?” she asked hopeful. Her smile tried to lighten his mood. 

Simon shook his head and then looked at her with his most serious and condescending expression. “She is not.” He reorganized his papers looking away now. “These conditions don’t just disappear.” He told her flippantly. 

Kaylee fiddled with her fingers still unsure of how to talk to Simon. They were sex'ing and all but communication was just not up to par. She smiled unsure. “Well you just said you can’t find any reason-“

Simon put up his hand. “I know River seems like a normal girl right now to you. I want her to be, but with her condition she will have relapses and-“

Kaylee crossed her arms growing irritated as he seemed. “You don’t know that.” She said sassy. “You just know what books tell ya. And what was done to River weren’t exactly in the books were they? Well books are still being written and they don’t know every thin in the vers bout the mind.” She tapped her foot and turned from him. 

Simon knew talking about serious medical things was better left with people in his own field. Kaylee would just never understand or accept River was not ever really going to be okay…or normal.

He cleaned up his mess and decided to join her in cooking. He seemed to enjoy her efforts on creating an appetizing meal. With her meager supplies he did truly commend her creativity. Made even the grossest things go down easy.

He found them all up in the dining room. River not among them, she did not dine with any of them now days. He often worried that she was not eating at all, but food kept turning up missing and they all deduced she was eating. 

It concerned him, that maybe she was hiding her Psychosis. He would not be able to treat her unless he knew of her mental state, and it just seemed now days she was hiding from all of them. 

What was funny is that Mal seemed to be doing the same thing he was keeping to himself mostly too. This was the first time he had seem Mal come for a meal since Wash died… And it did not look like he was stayin. 

They all greeted him, Jayne was polishing his gun on the sofa. “So Boross,” Kaylee said brightly. “I have a list of things I nee-“ she started but Mal looked at her coldly.

“Just weeks ago we had this old girl patched better than she has ever been, not getting her any parts right now… .” he started and Kaylee shrunk into herself. Mal was always grumpy, but this was different, He seemed hostile.

“Captain.” She said thrown back by him snapping at her so hard. “Just Serenity was hurt real bad… fixed by sub par parts and they are already failing…. Some of the parts were only meant to be temporary anyway.” She said defensively. 

Mal softened. “I’ll see what we can do after a successful job. But I do expect you to-“ he started. 

“I know I know…Keep us flyin, but I’m gonna have to start using duct tape and marine tex.” She said sarcastically, “I know my daddy always said Marine text could patch bouts anything….Not true up here in the black, Captain.” She said to his back as he started walking away. “ you know marine means water?”

Mal sighed and left the dining room with a protein bar… No meal for him it seemed. He was not in the mood to share and socialize, Not now…

River lurked in the shadows again near the entrance of the bridge her voice smooth. “Nuts and bolts can keep her in the air too…though not as well as true love. It’s the oil and grease of the ship…” 

Mal shook his head. “Got anywhere else to be?” he said with less of an edge to his voice than he had given to Kaylee. 

“Can’t be somewhere else when I am right here loving Serenity. She wants to stop flying… Her insides hurt.” She said stroking the ship. 

Mal rolled his eyes. His back turned. 

“Don’t roll your eyes… She sees it too.” She said stroking the metal like a thorough bred. 

Mal left her there shrugging the crazy girl off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Business boo's and booty

“Oh you again….Captain Malcom Reynolds…haven’t seen you around much for a while.” Badgers said in his thick accent. “What? Back for business?” he asked.

Mal sighed. He did so hate playin the diplomatic game with non-diplomatic men. “Let’s cut to the chase, I need a job… and you round these parts are always lookin for transport for your goods.” He said. 

“Eh, that may be so…But to work with you again… Bad for business.” He stalked to the far side of the room. “See there have been these whispers of the men you work with suddenly dying or havin an untimely accident…. Near most of all your connections are gone from what I hear.” He chewed on whatever was in his mouth. “An I don rightly wanna be the next one.” 

Mal rolled his eyes. “Yeah, had a bit of bad luck in that area… But safer than most and I usually get the job done without a hitch. And I don’t talk… Its everyone else who has loose lips.” He eyed Badgers own men. “So long as your men keep your business…private, we should have no issues.” He said.

Badger stepped closer. “Is that a threat?” He asked.

Mal ground his teeth. “No. But whatever has been killin off my contacts has found them cause someone don’t know how to keep quiet.”

Badger eyed him up and down shaking his head. “I may be daft but I do need a reliable transport ship. Not this week, but next week.” He went to his desk and thumbed through some papers. “See, this job is well…. Not one you can ask questions over you see? None…” he said with firmness. 

Mal rolled his eyes. It’s usually these kinds of jobs that go an get him or his crew shot at. “Since when have I asked questions?” Mal asked sarcastically without his usual flair with words. 

Badger eyed him carefully and laughed thinking Mal's statement as a joke.”Just be here next week to pick up your cargo.”

Mal nodded and asked. “Where it headed?” 

Badger shook his head. “Now I thought I said no questions.” 

Mal looked at him as though he had grown two horns. “I gotta know where it’s headed.”

Badger sat down. “Not right now you don’t.” and he tipped his hat back. “And sides…I don’t even know too much about it. I am contracted out you see. When I know…You know.” He cocked his head lofty. “Now see how that works?” 

Mal felt the urge to deck him but clenched his jaw instead grinding his teeth. “Enough said.” He turned. “I’ll be hearing from you.”

 

“So that’s that.” Mal said slinging back a shot in a glass, half an hour later from a watering hole near Serenity. 

Jayne laughed and followed suit. “Think moon brain should be in here?” Jayne asked looking around suddenly worried the televised commercial would be an Oaty bars one.

Mal looked at River who was smiling and walking around the room as though it was the most normal thing. He nearly dropped the second drink in his hand watching her laugh and touch a man intimately on the arm. “Simon…what is your sister doing? Why is she-” Mal asked. 

Simon looked at his sister move through the crowed slinging physical and sexual innuendoes back at the men who found her interesting and were naturally drawn to her inviting smile. Which seemed to be all of them. She looked like she was made to work a crowd. 

Mal went to go intervene when he saw how silent Simon was still stunned. “What has gotten into her Moon brain head now?” Mal said striding to her. 

Simon stopped him. “No Captain…I will take her back.” He said going to his sister. 

Mal looked as though he was seeing River for the first time again…. And she was normal. He rubbed his eyes and took another shot. “Am I dreaming?” he muttered. "Were all dreaming." she once said to him. 

“No captain. She’s been ruttin normal lately which is weird to say but it’s not normal….well for her to be…Normal.” Jayne said stumbling over his words, eyeing her as she started to dance suggestively to a man that was better dressed than the rest. 

“Simon better get in there.” Mal said itching to leave the bar and ask what the gorram hell was happening to River. 

 

Thirty minutes later River sat atop the crate counting wallets as she pulled them from her body. Hidden in all sorts of nooks and crannies. 

“This is what that was all about?” Simon asked stunned. “I thought you had lost your mind. We all thought you had.”

River just continued pulling wallets and cards from her person and he was vaguely reminded of a clown pulling scarves from their sleeve. It fascinated him for a moment. 

 

Mal had followed not too far behind and his boots pounded on the ramp. A drink could be had on his ship, much quieter too. But there River was, atop a crate pulling things out of her dress. Great, just what he needs …thoughts about what is down her dress…He just wanted to get back to his bunk and sleep. 

“You have made my sister into a petty thief.” Simon accused none too thrilled. 

Mal squinted in confusion. He hated the implications of him being a petty thief. “Excuse me?” he asked. The five shots he had making things a little fuzzy. 

Simon paled slightly but proceeded. “She was not acting Moon brained…she was picking the pockets of nearly every patron in the bar.”

Jayne stepped forward. “Moonbrain ? That what she was doing? Woah, how much have you got?” he asked

River looked at him with level gaze, “12 wallets, five alliance cards and a three tickets to the Boross Circus next week.”

Jayne laughed. “Used the trick I taught you?” he asked implying private lessons. 

River blushed slightly but her face remained nearly emotionless. “Yes, But I could have taken more…The clothes don’t allow much storage.”

Jayne ruffled her hair good naturedly. “I think you got enough girl.” 

Mal and Simon looked at the two in shock. “I’m not so sure how comfortable I am with-“ Simon started. 

Mal looked at the Doc and nodded him off. “Go on, I’ll handle it.”

He looked to Jayne and nodded him off. “I’ll speak to you later.” His voice leveed at the mercenary. 

Mal eyed River thoughtfully, she was not even looking at him. She was just looking through the wallets and pouches she had lifted. She looked like the River he knew. Obsessive and meticulous.

“Listen here lil albatross, we are not petty thief’s on this boat.” He sighed “I will not have you about planet side or in a gorram bar at all till I know you are….”

“Safe?” she offered not looking up. She was laying out the wallets in accordance to size and color, then mixing them up again to get it right. 

“Safe.” Mal nodded agreed. 

River slid down off the crate after a short moment of silence. “Made enough to get us back in the air with…Kaylee’s new parts.” She said leaving the stolen goods on top of the crate abandoned.

Mal watched her surprised she was just walking away. “Hey now, I am not finished-” He said. 

River turned round and faced him. “No…. you never are.” She said coolly. 

Mal was growing impatient. “No listen here girl.” he said his voice raised high. Once upon a time she would shrink from the volume but no, she just eyed him seriously…almost thoughtfully. “We are not petty thieves on this boat.”

River chuckled. “You shouldn't lie captain. Yes we are…Besides all that was stolen already.” She said turning from him dismissing him with the back of her wavy hair, He the gorram Captain.

Mal now stood in awe, this was the most normal conversation he had had with River and he found he was even more confused than before. 

He let her go allowing the argument rest….if that is what it was. He needed to talk to Simon. He headed to the infirmary and found him there reorganizing and he realized her obsession with order might be a genetic trait and not something programmed into her. 

Mal walked in and eyed what Simon was doing for a moment, waiting for him to realize his presence. 

“Oh, Captain.” He said. “You deal with River?”

“What is going on with River?” Mal asked not answering the question.

Simon took off his glasses and sat down. “I don’t know…” he shook his head. “It’s all so irregular. When she talks it makes more sense now. She still speaks in metaphors and poems…but now she also answers direct questions and claims the…” he sighed. “Frightened unpredictable girl is gone.” 

Mal eyed Simon. “You don’t believe it.” He asked.

Simon shook his head. “I don’t think she is lying…but I don’t think she is cured.” 

Mal sighed. “I feel like this is something I should be happy about” Mal rubbed his face, but he was more confused and disoriented than ever. 

Simon sighed. “It is a reprieve we can all be grateful for, but I don’t suppose it will last.” He said.

“How can you be sure?” Mal asked. 

“Cant…Need new brain scans…and I don’t suppose we can just smuggle her back in again on Airel could we?” he asked. 

Mal thought for a moment. “Could…but right now we need to get some jobs.” He said. “Maybe just steal our self a scanner.”

Simon looked at him as though it were Christmas. “We accomplished out biggest job knocking off the hospital.” He said. 

Mal nodded. “Cross that bridge when we get there Doc.” Turning to hear Kaylee running through the ship. 

Kaylee came bounding up and hugged mal. “Oh thank you captain!” 

Mal looked around in question. “For what?” he asked. 

Kaylee kissed his cheek. “You know what.” She beamed and ran off. ”I gotta go grab my list. Be right back.” 

Mal took a second take, “what was all that about?” 

“Told her the good news captain.” Rivers voice fluttered into his head from the doorway. “got lucky in town today…felt bad about the hurt, made up for it.” She said with implied meaning. He knew what. “New parts and a few Tickets for the Circus to brighten her day.” And she walked away from him. “Good Job captain.” She added walking away. Letting him take all the credit in Kaylee's mind.

“I aint gonna get used to this.” Mal said. “I feel kinda like I slept longer than a few weeks…feels like years have gone by.” 

Simon nodded.…Like a light switch turned on and his sister was back…but not his sister. This person, was less needy and more independent than he wished her to be. After all Simon had given up when it came to a successful career, he needed to feel needed. 

“I know.” Simon shook his head. 

Mal crossed his arms. “What is this with Jayne and River sharin trade secrets with each other?”

Simon looked away and sighed. “I hope it’s nothing.” He said a little concerned. 

Mal did not understand his reaction to Simon’s statement. “They are not carrying on together are they?” he asked worried. 

Simon shook his head. “I don’t think so.” He chuckled. “He still has a healthy fear of her, but they have what you could call a companionship at times. Started one night when River was walking by and Jayne was trying to learn how to kick better. Wanted to become a living weapon too….I guess they have been trading tricks you could say.”

Mal shook his head. “Well would be nice to see Jayne dance about like she does. He's a clumsy ass oaf that needs a gun.” 

Simon shook his head. “When she is fighting she is killing.”

Mal looked serious. “I know…but it’s so beautifully done.” 

It was long past time to check on things up in the bridge and his feet lead the way, his mind heavy in thoughts and concerns. 

“Coming to finally visit Serenity?” River asked from the cockpit her knees to her chest. 

Mal squinted and huffed himself into his chair. “Visit serenity?” 

River nodded, her eyes like wide orbs pullin him inn. “Yes. She has missed you again. You pulled away from everything, even her.” 

Mal nodded. “I needed time to think.” He said. 

River shook her head. “Not thinking….reflecting. Reflection can be….painful, self-torture.” she said pushing back her own reflections. 

Mal sat silent watching the town from the bridge window. “She’s happier in the black.” He said finally after a long pause. 

River smiled. “Me too.” 

Mal thought the same and brooded about life, but this time with a companion. She did not speak much after that…just remained to sit vigil with his Serenity. Finally he felt a question rise in his head. 

“Inara… Did she make port. I did not take notice of her shuttle.” He said. 

River shook her head. “She will be another day or two.” she replied.

Mal tensed. “When was it she left?” 

River sighed. “Days ago….You don’t look for her?” she was actually surprised. 

Mal was confused and squinted. He decided to ask another question. “And Zoe and Jayne let her?” Mal felt a pang of betrayal. 

Rive shook her head. “You have no right, you melted like me, she offered herself finally. She could not do anything when you pulled the string when no one looked at your heart and unthreaded…you crumpled into pieces…. All came undone. ”

Mal nodded understanding he left Inara confused and waiting. “I did there a bit I guess.” He sighed again. “Don’t know how to sew.” 

River shook her head…. “Too broken… Need to metamorphosis.”

Mal looked at her confused. “metta what?” 

River smiled. “Like a butterfly, you were in your cocoon now it’s time to come back out.” She said. “With the threads make something new, not fix.” 

Mal nodded not really knowing how to follow her advice. He sat with her in silence for a time. But then cleared his voice to speak. “You seem very different little one.” He said with a brief side long glance. “Angry.”

River looked at him silent for a long time. “Not angry…disappointed.” 

Mal looked at her surprised. “Disappointed?” 

River nodded. “You said love keeps serenity flying…. keeps you flying too, you just try to fight it… you want to crash.” She whispered. “I want to fly. Can’t keep Serenity and you flying.”

Mal looked at her in wonder. “Does love keep ya flyin lil albatross?” he asked a little star struck by the conversation. 

River nodded.

Mal sighed. “I suppose your brothers care and love is enough to keep you.”

River shook her head standing. “Brothers love not enough…My love for the others keeps me floating, but floating is not flying...” her voice faded into the black and he was left in silent contemplation.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day Inara came back on board. Mal smiled warmly at her. “Business good?” He asked. 

Inara inclined her head. “Yes… My client wished me to retreat with her, on pay of course…” her voice drifted off. 

Mal grinned slightly. “Well alright. Got no claim on you anyhow… “ he said looking away. Not that he opposes the female clients…It was the principal of it.

“She is not that,…kind of client.” She said with meaning. 

Mal nodded. “Glad you are back.” 

Inara smiled. “Come see me tonight.” She said as she walked away. 

Mal sighed. The prospect unnerved him. He chuckled in his head. He had always fantasized about her inviting him to her shuttle in the evening hours. But now he just felt obligated. He chose not to take her up on the offer on account of a pressing issue dealing with a mechanical disaster Kaylee had found. Serenity would not be ready for Badgers job if’n they did not get on it pronto. He ended up spending his more restful hours with River on the bridge till she decided to go to sleep in her bunk. He sighed thinking of how disappointed Inara may be. But still feeling no real obligation to do as she bid him to. 

Inara Woke the next morning and freshed herself as was her routine daily. She reflected on the night before as she looked into the mirror. Mal had not come to her. She was confused and she wondered at his lack of interest as she applied her various face paints and artifices that companions were expected to use morning, noon, and night. A companion never could look anything less than perfection. 

She brushed out her hair and wrapped her dress robe of light blue around her flawless shoulders and exited in search of words with Mal. And she found him, not in his room but up in the bridge looking a little sleepy. 

“That you Little one?” Mal asked hoping River had come back to the bridge. He had left and tossed and turned all night and went back to the bridge hoping she had been there, but she had not. He had sat up willing river to come to him in the bridge but she either ignored him or had fallen asleep. He had stayed up all night in the bridge hopeful. 

Inara’s brows furrowed at the noticed tone in his comment. 

“Up late Mal?” she asked making her presences know. 

“Oh Inara.” Mal said standing awkwardly. 

Inara smiled unsure. “I know a wonderful dining here planet side…I was wondering if you would like to Join me?” she asked. He thought to himself for a moment. Breakfast did sound great. He stood and rubbed his face. 

“Sure thing… Just need to change into a fresh change of clothes. Inara squinted thinking to add that he should perhaps wear his second best clothes…but she knew that was everything he wore. And nothing was really suitable. She shook her head and went to finish dressing herself. 

 

Mal shifted uncomfortably in his nearly nonexistent chair. It was metal and elaborate in ways that irritated him. The restaurant was filled with white and brightly colored hats belonging to women of the higher ranking society on the planet. He drank his coffee from a tiny cup and he ground his teeth equating it to sipping water from a thimble. 

Inara sensed his irritation but was pleased he did so well to not draw further attention to it. 

He sighed wishing he was back on Serenity with their watered down coffee and protein oats. He sighed waiting for his breakfast which came out also in miniature. Inara was delighted…but he was far from it. 

They both sat in relative silence save for Inaras attempt at conversation speaking of the last time she had come to the restaurant. Mal otherwise had remained relatively silent.  
Inara shifted. “Mal, is something the matter?” she finally asked as she finished her meal. 

Mal thought of her question for a moment and hesitated. “No Inara. Nothing at all.” He said trying to remain agreeable but absolutely miserable. Inara was at least pacified and they finished their meal and left back to Serenity, which he was anxious to get back to and see if the new parts he purchased for Serenity had been delivered. 

Kaylee had an idea of how to make her go faster. A thing Mal was not against. Inara strolled along side of him, slowing his stride. He struggled to not make excuse to hurry Inara up. He ground his teeth impatiently as she stopped to look at some things being sold on the street. Inara fingered a scarf of light lavender and she hung it over her arm and fingered a green one as well gathering that over her arm as she had the other. 

Mal looked at her skeptically. 

“For Kaylee and River.” She said. Then she found a lovely gold and blue scarf and pulled it out. “For Zoe.” She said sadly. "Maybe one day she will want to wear it." 

“She will come around.” Mal said confidently. “But she needs her time. We all do." he said thinking of himself. 

Inara nodded and purchased the gifts and had the merchant wrap each individually. Mal offered to carry them for her. Since she was purchasing gifts for the others it had alleviated his impatience. 

The parts arrived making Kaylee beam. “I’ll get these installed faster than an untried man.” 

Simon choked on his coffee. 

Mal smirked. 

“Hey, suppose I get this all finished before dinner, wanna go to this really nice place I know in So Heoion?” she asked referring to the town. “Like you know…a double date?” she asked. 

Mal rolled his eyes but Inara jumped at the question. “We would love to.” She said grinning. Simon and Mal looked less than enthused but agreed. He just wanted to go to his bunk and take a nap however…

Maybe he would get one in before going out. 

As it happened the double date was not destined to happen. Kaylee had trouble installing the parts and Mal felt relieved to be excused from the double date. 

That night instead River cooked in the kitchen and most of the crew sat around mouths watering at the smells. 

Jayne kicked his feet up. “Smells better in here than ever.” He said. 

River grinned in his direction. 

“I conjure River should be our cook.” Jayne said beaming looking at her with a spark in his eye.

Mal did not like it. Recognition of her womanly attributes was enough to put him back on edge.. 

River chuckled. “I get bored doing it.” She smiled now at Mal. “Prefer to fly.” 

Jayne came up behind her standing closer than was comfortable to Mal. He looked over his shoulder keeping an eye out.. 

“Eh, Jayne, leave off and let her finish without you hovering.” Mal snapped at the mercenary.

Inara entered and gave him a look. She was wondering what had made him so grumpy.

“Oh River, it smells delicious.” Inara commented. 

Once Kaylee Joined them they all sat down to a delicious but uncomfortable meal. Mal could not wait to leave. If the food did not smell so good and River had not been the cook he would have skipped. 

 

That very night alone on the bridge. The silence of Serenity deafening he reflected on certain individuals of his crew. Mal had felt it coming on slowly. He had been asking himself the wrong questions all along. Unable to answer for so long. 

long he had looked at River as just a girl, but then she blossomed on his ship. Their crew had been a very happy one till Rivers first she weapon episode. Which had actually been his fault. He would not have allowed her into such a bar, But he didn't have control then, he was driving them from the ship and Simon had brought her there. He had driven them off because, honestly because he liked bring her along on jobs. He knew it was not good to have her close enough reading him an all. So he drove them away. He was putting her in danger he thought to himself. 

He had paused in shock and awe at her skill upon seeing her unleashed. She was leathal and accurate, and above all breathtaking. He found her amazing, but he watched as she was out of control. He did what he had to, except he could not follow through. He did not want to. To see her die and at his hands he did not want that, He had done many things he regretted but killing her would be what would break him. Better she kill him.

They had all asked them in their own way why he brought her back. He could not answer back then, he could not even allow it to be conscious in his mind since he heard she was 16 and crazy. He needed to help her though.

In the last few days Inara had asked him as well what made River so special to him since they had taken to spending the night hours together at the controls of Serenity instead of him visiting her. Mal had told her that he did not know. Not really a lie. He just could not explain it. 

It wasn't easy to say they did not really talk. The silence of sitting with her was a comfort that he had not expected. Now of late It had been frustrating trying to defend himself and his time on the bridge alone with River. It had always been innocent. He told her, but she never believed. Jealousy seemed to be growing inside of Inara. But he had to be on the bridge a lot, alone with River anyway, and sometimes Zoe. 

Sensing the subject of his feelings River did not join him on the bridge that night. And he felt angry for it.

The irritation increased again a few nights later when he barged from Inara's shuttle in frustration not really understanding what he was upset at. She had been brewing her tea and chatting on about this party she once went to for a fanciful elderly woman who wanted her pet pigs to serve the drinks. The story had irritated him, not entertained for some reason.

As he left down the grated landing he found River huddled in the cold corridor near Zoe’s bunk was located. He stumbled and smiled at her. “Hey lil one, what you doing up here?” he asked. 

River shuddered and shook. “Real dreams tore at me…or I did. Cant recall, not relevant when awake anyhow.” She said pulling down her night dress over her shoulder to where she had clawed at her arms. Her night dress had holes in it where her fingers had ripped clear through. He knelt closer to inspect his fingers touching her bleeding skin. 

“Cant tell Simon, he always likes to give me soothers and I hear his disappointment when I refuse them.” She said avoiding Mal’s eyes. 

“Go on in…” he motioned into his bunk. “I will grab a few things.” He left and fetched some wound cleaner and first aid supplies. He carried the small box back to his quarter and descended the ladder. For privacy purposes he tended to her there. Respecting her wish for Simon to not know. 

River was standing in the center of his room shaking. He put the box down and moved closer to her. 

“You can sit on the bed.” Mal indicated quietly. 

River did not acknowledge him so Mal touched the side of her arm that was uninjured. He could not deny the jolt that went through him when he touched her skin. But he was not all that alarmed. He just guided her gently to the bed. 

She mumbled apologies and mal rubbed her comfortingly. “It’s alright darlin. It’s no bother.” He soothed. 

She laughed. “I think I am.” She said quietly. “A bother.” Pulling her knees to her chest. 

Mal looked at her tenderly. “Need to talk about the dream?” he asked. 

River shrunk from him and he was brought low by her retreat.

“It’s alright, no need to talk. I don’t like to talk much of my own dreams… No business to make you speak of yours. I was just offering to listen if you needed.” He said taking out the bottle and emptying the contents on a sanitary rag and proceeded to pull her night gown down over her ravaged shoulder. 

He worked quickly as River looked to him with wonder. She seemed to stare at him intently and he was sure she must have been reading him and for a moment he did not mind her strange talent all that much. 

“You can sleep here.” Indicating the bed. “I will keep ya company so you don’t tear yourself apart again. Sittin in this chair.” He said pulling it out. 

“But Captain…you will not sleep. You must lie beside me. I insist. Cannot have you lose sleep over me.” She said scooting to the far side. He noted her bloody nightgown at the shoulders and arms and threw her one of his clean shirts to wear instead. She smiled at him grateful and she started undressing, Mal stood for a moment not realizing that he was watching her start to undress he turned around surprised and shocked. He had seen nothing but he felt himself blush slightly. But his thoughts remained in the reasonable perverted zone. Nothing more he told himself. He pulled down his suspenders and shed his button down shirt. And turned around when he heard River stop shifting around. She was wearing his shirt and looked absolutely beautiful laying on her side in his bed, not childish, but womanly. He shook the thought from his mind and slid next to her. Mal held himself straight and truth be told a little uncomfortable being sure to not touch river in his bunk. Hoping to just offer comfort to her so she did not further injure herself. 

He laid there silently trying to control his breathing to match Rivers. After a few tense moments Rivers hand found his and their fingers weaved together. Sighing deeply he fell into an uneasy sleep ready at any moment for her to wake having a terrible nightmare.


End file.
